When Mother's Day Hurts: Navigating through Infertility & Loss
While mothers across the world are being treated to breakfasts in bed, homemade cards, and social media posts of appreciation and joy, millions of other women are hiding in their homes, turning off their phones, and hoping to simply get through the day unscathed.
Mother's Day is a time of celebration, appreciation, and love for many. It's a day filled with brunches, flowers, and heartfelt cards all dedicated to honoring the women who have played the role of mother in our lives. But for those struggling with infertility, pregnancy loss, or infant loss, Mother's Day can be a painful reminder of what they long for but haven't yet been able to achieve.
Mother’s Day, and the weeks surrounding it, can be downright painful. Mother's Day can be deeply traumatizing for those grappling with infertility due to the relentless reminders of what they long for but have been unable to achieve. The pervasive societal celebration of motherhood, inundating every aspect of life from commercials to social media posts, serves as a constant, painful reminder of their struggle.
The sense of exclusion from a holiday meant to honor motherhood can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy, grief, and isolation.
Infertility is a silent struggle that affects millions of individuals and couples worldwide. It's a journey fraught with disappointment, heartache, financial strains, isolation, and often trauma. The emotional and physical toll of fertility treatments, miscarriages, and failed attempts at conception can leave deep, invisible (and sometimes visible) scars that are not easily healed.
On Mother's Day, the pain of infertility is magnified. Everywhere you turn, there are reminders of what you desire so deeply but have not been able to attain. From the commercials on TV to the ads in your inbox to the posts flooding your social media feeds to the cards and flowers adorning every market, it feels like the whole world is celebrating this exclusive holiday for something you desperately want but cannot have.
On Mother’s Day, people celebrate the “greatest role they have ever had” in grand, public ways and it is unavoidable for those that continue to apply with no positive results.
Even seemingly innocent jokes or comments can sting deeply, for example, when mothers express a desire to spend Mother's Day without their children. What others may see as lighthearted humor can cut deep for those yearning to experience motherhood.
And this pain is not isolated to those that have no living children. For individuals facing secondary infertility, they may already have living children but are unable to expand their families in the way they had hoped. The discrepancy between the family they have and the family they envisioned can also be a source of grief.
So, how can you support a loved one who is struggling with infertility during this difficult time? It's essential to acknowledge their pain and validate their feelings, even if you can't fully understand what they're going through. A simple gesture, like sending a thoughtful card or text or flowers, can go a long way in letting them know they're not alone.
Additionally, it's important to be mindful of our words and actions, especially on days like Mother's Day. Avoid making insensitive comments or jokes that could inadvertently cause harm.
Don’t make insincere, abstract offers, such as “You can have my children!”
Don’t offer advice without basis, such as “You simply need to relax”
Don’t respond with toxic positivity, such as “It’ll happen for you next year, I just know it!”
These things are not helpful and do not demonstrate compassion or support. Instead, offer a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on for those who may be struggling.
Above all, let them know that they are loved and valued, regardless of their motherhood status.
By offering support and understanding, we can help ease the pain of Mother's Day for those dealing with infertility and show them that they are not forgotten.
Tips for Coping with Mother’s Day: Nothing can make the pain disappear, but below are some tips for getting through the day:
Acknowledge your feelings: It's okay to feel sad, frustrated, or even angry. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up for you. Putting them to paper with a journal can validate them, even if only for yourself.
Set boundaries: It's okay to limit your exposure to triggers. This might mean avoiding social media or declining invitations to events. Go for a walk with your phone left at home, avoid places with mother’s day gifts (such as grocery stores, markets, and bookshops). Stay home with a good book, or select a location less likely to have children (such as a 21+ Brewery or a HIIT workout class).
Prioritize self-care activities that help you feel grounded and nurtured: This could include spending time in nature, practicing mindfulness or meditation, or indulging in activities you enjoy.
Connect with others: Reach out to friends or support groups who understand what you're going through. Sharing your feelings with others who can empathize can provide comfort and validation. (Send me a DM on Instagram! @for_the_barreness)
Celebrate other roles: Consider honoring other nurturing roles in your life, such as being a pet parent, aunt, best friend, spouse, or mentor.
Create your own rituals: Establishing meaningful rituals or traditions for yourself on Mother's Day can help you reclaim the day in a way that feels empowering and supportive to you.
Seek professional support: If you're struggling to cope with your feelings, consider talking to a therapist or counselor who specializes in infertility and reproductive health. They can provide guidance and support tailored to your needs.
Remember, it's important to be gentle with yourself and prioritize your emotional well-being during this time. You are not alone.
If you are someone you know is struggling and want to send a thoughtful “Not-so-Happy Mother’s Day Card” - sign up for our card exchange HERE! Deadline to register May 3rd, further details can be found on my instagram page.