The Relaxation Myth: Why 'Just Relax' Is the Last Thing to Say to Someone Dealing with Infertility
Picture this: You're sipping your morning coffee with a friend who has just shared that for the last year, her and her partner have struggled with infertility. Your heart squeezes, and you want to offer some comfort. You have heard about people who stop trying and it happens for them, so thinking it will give some hope, you say the words, "Just relax, it'll happen!".
This advice is about as helpful as a chocolate teapot. You have just told someone with a very real, very serious medical condition that the reason they are going through this is because they aren’t “chill enough” about it.
Reasons why this is a particularly terrible thing to say:
Infertility is caused by an often serious medical condition. You would never tell someone who just informed you that they have diabetes to change their attitude and it will go away, and yet with infertility, people do this often. Infertility isn't caused by stress or lack of relaxation. It's a complex medical issue with various underlying factors, from hormonal imbalances to genetic predispositions.
The statement implies that this is their fault. By telling someone that it is all about being stressed and not relaxed, you are implying their emotional response is causing this heartbreaking condition. In reality, most people don’t start trying to conceive with stress, so if that were the case it probably would have worked in the beginning. Also, people in far more stressful lives, such as living in war torn countries, get pregnant all the time. By saying “just relax”, you have inadvertently placed the blame on them for their infertility struggles. It insinuates that if they were just a tad more chill, everything would fall into place.
It is an impossible suggestion: Dealing with infertility and loss is often the most stressful experience of a person’s life. Studies have proven that it can cause PTSD, depression, anxiety, even suicidal ideation. It is constantly on someone’s mind, it is expensive, and they are having to grapple with the fact that their lives may never looked like they most hoped. There is no spa treatment in the world that is relaxing enough to take away those thoughts and feelings.
It diminishes someone’s feelings and experience. Infertility involves a myriad of emotions, physical challenges, and financial burdens. From hope to despair, from excitement to heartbreak, infertility is a whirlwind of feelings. Saying "just relax" trivializes the journey these individuals are on. It is like you have told someone that their pain is not significant, and that they should simply stop thinking about the biggest thing happening in their life. When you tell someone to relax, you're essentially brushing off their very real and valid emotions. It's like telling someone who's drowning to "just swim better."
If you throw enough spaghetti at a wall, eventually one might stick. That friend’s cousin’s coworker you heard about who got pregnant when they stopped trying… never actually stopped trying. Sure, maybe the sex wasn’t with cycle timing or medical assistance, but if someone is having unprotected sex, even if they only had a 4% chance of getting pregnant, over time it just may happen for them. Similarly, someone with a brain tumor might become a miracle story and have it go away only to live a long, healthy life. But it doesn’t mean people with brain tumors should skip surgery and hope for the best. Beating the odds is not the norm and it is certainly not a medical recommendation.
So, what are better ways you can support your friend?
When someone trusts you enough to confide in you about their struggles with infertility, the best thing you can do is simply listen. Let them pour out their emotions without judgment or interruption. Sometimes, all they need is a safe space to vent and express their feelings.
Resist the urge to offer advice or platitudes like "Just relax" or "It'll happen when it's meant to." Instead, offer empathy by acknowledging their pain and validating their emotions.
Unless you're a fertility specialist they have specifically come to for medical advice, refrain from offering unsolicited advice or suggesting potential solutions. Trust that they are already exploring their options and respect their decisions regarding their fertility journey.
Simple phrases like "I'm so sorry you're going through this" or "I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you" can make a world of difference.
Everyone's journey with infertility is unique, so it's essential to ask how you can best support your friend or loved one. Whether it's lending a listening ear, accompanying them to doctor's appointments, or simply checking in on them regularly, let them know that you're there for them in whatever capacity they need.
Sometimes, actions speak louder than words. Show your support by sending a thoughtful card, bringing over a care package, or simply spending quality time together doing something they enjoy. Your gestures of love and support can provide much-needed comfort during a challenging time.
Take the initiative to educate yourself about infertility and the various challenges individuals may face. Understanding the medical, emotional, and financial aspects of infertility can help you better empathize with your friend or loved one and provide more meaningful support.
Other phrases that are kinder than “just relax”:
"I'm here for you."
"Is there anything I can do to support you?”
“It really sucks that you have to go through this.”
“I can’t know what your future holds, but I am here for you in however things go.”
“Thank you for trusting me by sharing this.”
“How is all of this making you feel?”
“This is really unfair that you have to do so much more to build your family.”
“Would you mind if I asked you questions about your journey?”
“I can see that you are doing everything you can and need to do. No matter how it turns out, I see how strong and brave you are.”
“I love you.”
Responding to someone who shares they're dealing with infertility requires empathy, compassion, and a willingness to listen. Sometimes, just lending an ear or offering a shoulder to cry on can mean the world. By offering your unconditional support and understanding, you can be a source of comfort and strength during their journey. Remember, sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply be there for someone in their time of need.
Below are some of the reasons real people with infertility shared that they hate the phrase “Just Relax”:
“It gives false hope. It compares infertile people to fertile people.” @fiercelykind“It’s dismissive AF.” @yearning.into.motherhood“I am offended people think I am the problem or that there is an easy fix.” @the.baby.plan “Because no amount of relaxation can cure my medical condition of infertility. And if you have sex without using a form a birth control, you are trying. You’re never not trying when you’re TTC!” @dwbella“Literally, I don’t have a uterus.” @elizabethmqhawkinds“Because it isn’t sitting with the infertile in their grief. It’s trying to “fix” the situation which bypasses the actual need which is acknowledgement and validation of their pain.” @growingourbabee“I want to tell these people that their “fertile privilege” is showing. This saying isn’t truly helpful to anyone because it diminishes and demeans their pain and sadness that comes with not being able to achieve something you are dreaming of so hard. It’s not support. It’s hurtful. It goes against scientific evidence and is wildly uniformed.” @marjorie_m4rtin“Most of us have a diagnosis of something medical, or are trying to find the diagnosis, of something that has nothing to do with relaxing.” @standtallmia“It invalidates our entire experience.” @empty_womb_club“It is patronizing and casts a sense of blame or doubt on the person strugging.” @fearandloathinginfertility“So easy for people who never had to try to say this. When IVF is needed, stopping to relax isn’t an option.” @meganfox0815“It’s strongly implying that I am causing my infertility.” @photognrunner“They don’t know what I’ve actually been through or all the medical issues going on. Also kind of feels like I’m getting blamed for my situation like there’s something I’m doing to cause this. I already blame myself, even though I know it’s not anything I could have done anything about, and it hurts a second time when someone else adds more blame and shame.” @ambuck25“Because infertility is a disease and a disease needs to be treated. Cancer doesn’t get better by ‘relaxing’” @beyondbarreness“Infertility isn’t about relaxing. It is about issues with my reproductive system.” @hopefulparents2b“It doesn’t always happen when you stop. For some miracle stories, sure, but that is not the norm.” @amartinek17“It reeks of privilege and lacks empathy.” @ellenbissmeyer“This is a medical diagnosis. If my husband and I had sex every single day for the rest of our lives, we would never EVER get pregnant. Ever. Because he has a medical condition that prevents sperm from exiting his body- so no amount of relaxation or avoiding IVF will ever get us pregnant. We’ve been incredibly lucky that IVF worked for us- but relaxing and not trying is NOT an option.” @Faith_in_the_wait“How can you relax when your fertility and future family is all you can think about?” @hzumbrun“We were relaxed in the beginning. We don’t spend a ton of money on fertility treatments for fun.” @icons154“Endo doesn’t care how cool as a cucumber you are trying to be.” @caitlinpsparks“It disregards our journey and the pain and heartbreak it causes us.” @the_keen_journey“Because the people saying that are the people who didn’t need to implement these “revolutionary” ideas of relaxing. People get pregnant all over the world, in wars, in huge immense times of stress and trauma, my stress levels here are not going to have the huge impact you think they are. It’s more than that.” @pcosandprivacy“There is a lack of acknowledgement or compassion toward how challenging the fertility process can be and that infertility is a real medical issue. It also makes me feel as though I am doing something wrong when in reality so much of infertility can’t be controlled (although it doesn’t stop me from controlling everything I can!).” @paige.n.p