The constant need of having to advocate
The following story is the first hand experience of Nikola. Please note that on For the Barreness, I share stories written by people who have experienced infertility, loss, or other challenges in building their family. The content presented below is not an endorsement for any services.
Nikola’s Story:
As a slightly impatient person (who works on being a bit more patient), I decided to go to see my GP only after six months of trying for a baby. I really didn’t understand why I should wait for a year before starting to dig deeper. I wanted to have some basic blood tests done and some vitamins’ levels checked. By then I already knew I ovulated regularly thanks to the Fertility Awareness Method (basal body temperature and cervical mucus tracking), my cycles were of good length and regular. So I was starting to worry why it was not happening for us. My husband went for a semen analysis and all seemed to be fine. We were told to wait for six more months and then contact the fertility clinic in our city for further help.
So here we are, six months later after my GP visit, at the fertility clinic. The gynaecologist does an ultrasound to see if ovulation occurs and then suggests a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to find out whether my Fallopian tubes are open. Again, all seems good and we are told to wait for another half a year.
At some point I share our struggles with my mum.
“Don’t worry, it’ll happen soon and if not, you’ll just do IVF.”
“First we want to dig deeper and look for answers plus I don’t feel like I want to go through IVF.”
“What, why not, you’d be wasting your time, with IVF it’s fast.”
“Mum, it’s not that simple, IVF doesn’t always work and it’s mentally and physically challenging.”
At our fertility clinic we are met with the same mind set and approach. When the time passes and we come back, we are handed a brochure with information on IUI. When we say this might not be what we want, but first we want more testing done, the doctor says it would be pointless and writes a little note to our case: refuse to collaborate. In the meanwhile I’ve started diving into the fertility world and have become a certified Fertility Awareness Method Educator and a Fertility Yoga teacher, so I actually made a whole list of things I wanted to check, but nobody was willing to run them for me.
It is these words and the lack of empathy and willingness to help that make me cry in the car on our way back home. With my husband, we felt like we were in a dead-end with no options left and the idea of trying IUI actually starts creeping in. We don’t know what else to do.
However, I take some time to sit on it and process what’s happened. And when I ask myself how I feel deep down, I realize the idea of doing IUI or IVF doesn’t resonate with me at all. It will either happen naturally for us or we will discuss later in the future whether adoption might be our path. We never went back to the clinic. I also decided once I’d get pregnant I wouldn’t give birth in that hospital.
I keep doing all the things that support my well-being and fertility and try to be even more in touch with my body and my cycle. I exercise differently depending on which phase of my cycle I am in, I take rest on my period, I do seed cycling to support my hormones. I practice fertility yoga, do meditation, do castor oil packs, vaginal steaming, fertility massage and other holistic remedies that make me feel good. And last but not least, I see my acupuncturist regularly twice a month.
My acupuncturist Emielieke has been such a blessing on my fertility journey. Not only because of the wonderful treatments she’s been giving me. She’s been my biggest fan, my biggest advocate, my biggest supporter. She always believed I could get pregnant and when I felt like I was losing myself on my journey, losing my path, she’s always made sure to guide me back. And I think it is so important to have someone like that. It can be a family member, a friend or even someone you met online in the fertility community. Someone that will support your decisions and will give you strength to keep going, to advocate for yourself and to empower you. Unfortunately that’s what us, women, have to often do in this space. I say unfortunately because it shouldn’t be like this. We shouldn’t have to justify our choices and be questioned about them constantly. On the contrary, we should feel supported, safe and heard. Something I completed lacked from our doctors on our journey.
We managed to have some more testing done in another country and the only thing that seemed to be in need for more attention were my NK cells that were elevated. I also started taking extra progesterone in the form of Utrogestan because my luteal phase was usually 12, sometimes 13 days and even though I’ve been working on prolonging it to at least 14 days for many months, I just couldn’t. And there it was, after almost two and a half years into the fertility journey, I saw my very first BFP. I’ve never ever seen even a fine line before so I was shocked. I took another test before I told my husband and did two more tests the day after.
Today we have a beautiful baby girl that was born in the comfort of our own home. I couldn’t wish for more.
When I asked my husband what was the worst for him on our fertility journey, he said without a doubt the lack of support and empathy. I felt the same way. This constant need of having to advocate for ourselves, to beg to have some more tests done, not to be trusted when I said I knew exactly when I ovulated. Our instincts were ignored and our concerns disregarded. Even though it is my body, sometimes when talking to the doctors I felt like I wasn’t even there.
Maybe you feel like IUI or IVF is the right option for you. And that’s completely fine, too! All I want for you is to choose the path that is right for you, the path you truly feel is right for you and you don’t walk it just because of some external pressure.
I hope you are heard on your journey and if not, try to find someone who will listen. I wish women were more listened to when it comes to their bodies, their intuition and their fertility. Maybe one day we’ll get there, until then, keep fighting for you and your future baby.
Nikola can be found on instagram @balanced.and.fertile
