My 4th and Final IVF

By: Nikita Mccarroll (Belfast, Ireland)

If I’m honest, I don't know where to start with our story. It has been a very long one over many years. I have opted to share my 4th and [what would become] last IVF cycle…

But to start, I need to let you in a little on round three. I had done everything - read many books, especially many nutrition books, did acupuncture, had the best diet supplements, yoga and exercise, literally everything that went into my body was the best because we were hoping for the best outcome. After transfer three of 2 embryos, I woke in the early hours one morning with bad cramps. I left our bed, went at sat in my dressing room, I was trying so hard to hold back tears and I kept telling myself “No Nikita, you can't get upset, you cannot let your body or your little embaby feel this stress. Relax, everything will be ok”.

But I knew these cramps were different, they felt like the start of a period, and since we promised to keep zero pregnancy tests in the house this time around, I got back into bed only to remember the one that the hospital gives you. They are not great quality, but it was something, so I did the test and then quickly hid it. I couldn't look at it, I was so scared, but when I did finally look… “OMG, two lines!!! It's positive, this is positive, right?” Are these pains I'm experiencing implantation cramps? Again, trying not to cry because I never wanted my body to feel stress as I believed it might stress our embryos.

That morning, Mark went to work and I sent my mum and sisters a photo of the test. My sisters went to the chemist to confirm, and she said “that’s a positive to me!”. But to be sure, my sister brought me a digital one. I needed to see the word, and it appeared, “Pregnant”! I swear, I'll never forget that thud in my heart, that feeling from that one precious word I was staring at, “Pregnant” - that's me, I'm finally pregnant! Just to be sure, I did another one early the next morning and presented it to Mark. His face is one I’ll never forget, we both shed tears, we just couldn't believe this was finally us this time. We allowed ourselves to start dreaming of our future with me, Mark, Tia (our dog), and our baby.

I sent off our form to schedule a scan at the IVF clinic, but the appointment date we received would mean we would never get to see our baby because we lost our precious little soul at 5-6 weeks. Nothing can prepare you for this pain, this may sound awful, but for fertile women it is devastating - but for those of us who are infertile, it's not just pregnancy loss, it's also thousands of pounds [$] and the uncertainty of any possible outcome. You worry right away if the drugs are working. You wonder - are my follicles growing? will there be any eggs collected? will any embryos survive to day 5? We can’t just try again. We have so much worry and yet we are told to relax! Even with acupuncture and so much love and support around us, nothing anyone can do or say can take you out of these feelings of being so alone in your pain.

So now to round 4…

We had help from friends and family and even strangers on a gofundme page (that my friends and family talked me into doing) to help with the financial aspect. To our amazement, we raised enough to do a final round 4. We have so much appreciation, we will never forget this! We changed clinics to what seemed the best clinic (though to be honest, there was no difference medically… you got a scone with butter after the egg retrieval instead of a plain biscuit, but no more love nor care was giving, you are still just a number to clinics). I found I didn't gel well with our doctor, but I kept my mouth closed and stayed relaxed, that was the goal.

I was convinced that having an endometrial scratch helped us get a pregnancy in our 3rd cycle, so I opted for this again. The doctor tried to steer me away from this to instead use embryo glue, which is less expensive. Of course, I wanted everything possible to be done to enhance our chances for our final round - our dream, our only dream.

When the day blood test results came, I waited in my house with my family for the phone call. It was just horrible, my heart crushed. Something in my body knew it felt different. I felt nothing compared to round three but I hoped I was over thinking it all and everything was going to be ok... but it wasn't okay. I'm not okay. None of this is okay!

Then comes the comments… “Would you not just adopt?" or "There are other ways to become a parent." I felt pressured, because yes, you’re right, we have all this love to give and we can help a little child and raise them with care and love. After a while, we made the decision to adopt. We had a home visit just before the pandemic hit and I cried after it. It was my first realization that it's not about us anymore, our feelings or our pain, it's about the child. I soon got our big binder filled with so much information and so many sad stories. We had our training and it can be tough to listen to what these poor little ones had endured during their short lives.

During this time, I was put into medical menopause for 9 months until I got a date for my 3rd surgery to remove my ovary and a benign cyst. Menopause. No one would have guessed I was in menopause at the age of 34, but I was, and it was really tough. The sweats took over, I could no longer have a proper night's sleep - no one really talks of the many symptoms that come with menopause!

After year and five months of the adoption process, we had another house visit, about a month following my surgery. The paper work was overwhelming, some of the questions are really invasive and the social worker suggested I need more time after my operation.

So they will see us again in another 6 months. To me, I'm never going to be 100% ready. I'm never going to be completely okay with not experiencing giving birth to my children or feeling a pregnancy, feeling our baby kick, or watching them on the ultrasound screen and then holding them in our arms. So when will I be ready? The answer is never.

During this time, I've held so much back. So many feelings and emotions, that after that first doctor meeting a switch flicked in me and I'm in the dark.

I feel so low, I'm so alone, I'm lost really.

I went to my doctors to ask for help… something you will never hear me ask for. She has become the only person to listen properly and in a profession way and offer help. I don't believe that antidepressants will take away my pain or change my outcome in life, but they can try to help lift my mood at the present moment. Before, I was crying every day. It's hard when all your friends are mothers, you push yourself away from your old life in order to try find your new one. but I'm glad I joined Instagram and found all of these groups for woman and men - so thank you for listening. Thank you for sending love and hope to anyone going through infertility / treatment/ loss of a hope for a future.