Interview with Janilyn: Hoping, Waiting, Praying

Janilyn Lee is 41 and lives in Arlington, Texas. She has been married for 10 years, with her partner for 16. Janilyn loves to spend her time writing, she has been working on a Christian young-adult novel for years and also enjoyed reading historical non-fiction. Janilyn loves to travel with her best friends.

Tell us about when you first started trying to get pregnant?

I actually was not trying to get pregnant the first time. It was a complete shock! I don’t know why and I have no reason to believe this, but I kind of always thought I wouldn’t be able to have kids. I’d always felt that way, even since I was a teenager. I had no reason to believe it - but I always did.

When I got pregnant again in 2018 (another shock, as I hadn’t been pregnant in 3 years), I called around looking for an obgyn, as we were new to the area. No one would see me until I was 10 weeks along. I was so frustrated because none of my previous pregnancies ever made it that long. I told one of them that it would be over by 10 weeks and that I needed to be seen now. I finally found a doctor in Fort Worth who would see me. Of course, that pregnancy did end a miscarriage, but she was an amazing doctor and prayed with me during the process.

I understand you have a really great relationship with your fertility clinic! Can you tell us a little about this? How did you find this clinic, and what do you credit with having such a great relationship?

We did nothing for three more years. Hoping. Waiting. Praying. My husband finally said we could do IVF if I could get an appointment somewhere. I called my obgyn and asked for a recommendation. That’s how I found Dr. K.

From our very first consultation, I just knew that this was the place for me. He looked over my files with me and had an immediate idea of what was actually wrong with me - and he was right. After 9 years with no answers, I sat down with this man for 10 minutes and he had answers for me.  

We just clicked. We had each other laughing and that’s how all our visits have been. We’re a lot alike; both history nerds, particularly about the Holocaust. We both lost family in the Holocaust. We even did a book exchange at my egg retrieval. My nurse has become one of my closest friends. We get our nails done together, I babysit for her, we text each other all the time. I’m a very friendly person. I’m that person who makes friends on an airplane. I just love people and our personalities just clicked. They have very stressful jobs and I like to be a light, happy person when I go in to see them because while I may be very unhappy or nervous in my personal situation, they’re feeling that too about all of their patients. My ups and downs are personal, but they’re seeing ALL of our ups and downs.

How have you found the best ways are to cope with pregnancy loss?

Leaning on my faith in God has been the best way to cope but not always the easiest. I’ve struggled with my mental health following each loss. But it gives me a lot of peace to know that my babies are in Heaven and I will see them someday.

Getting lost in writing and reading has helped me too. Running and long walks have also helped me immensely. If I’m having a hard day, I put on some music and go run 7 miles. It’s good for my body and my mind!

Tell us about your decision to finally try IVF

I wanted to for years. We did an IUI with my old doctor but it failed. IVF is expensive and I just never thought it was possible. I told my husband a few years ago that if I turned 40 and we still had no kids, we had to try IVF or I would always wonder and regret it. He wasn’t sold on the idea. He still had this crazy idea that it was just going to spontaneously happen and work. He finally said God gave him the greenlight to pursue IVF this past February and said I could get an appointment for a consultation.

I know that your Frozen Embryo Transfer is this month. How are you feeling? Are you doing anything special to prepare?

My FET is in four days. To be honest, it feels too surreal to really process. We finally have two viable embryos (we’re only transferring one). It feels like a dream. Our first cycle ended with three non-viable embryos and we had to start over and used a different protocol. I have a lot of peace about it. This is the closest we’ve ever been and the best shot we’ve ever had. I was more nervous going into the egg retrieval than I am about this transfer. I feel good about it. I’m getting my nails done pink this weekend since we’re transferring the girl embryo!

Who are the greatest supporters to you throughout this journey?

My best friends.

Ashley, who just had her own little IVF bundle of joy, has been an indispensable support through all of this. Shelby is my rock. She prays for me and has carried me through so much hurt. Kristilyn has been with me since the very beginning. I met her right after my first miscarriage and she spent the whole night in the hospital with my husband during my second miscarriage while they were performing surgery to save my life. She also has fertility issues and had to have a hysterectomy not long after my second miscarriage.

My husband has also been so encouraging. It’s happening to him too. It hasn’t always been a pleasant journey but he’s never given up on me and that says a lot about him. 

If you could share one thing with other people going through similar experiences, what would it be?

Support is imperative. I had my first miscarriage alone (with only my husband). We didn’t have family support. We were treated as though it didn’t matter by family and friends. We lost friends who stopped talking to us. We lost the support of our pastor (of the church we attended at the time) and several members. People just abandoned us. That’s why when I look back, it was always the hardest miscarriage for me. We were so alone.

In that painful place, I developed an eating disorder. It took me a long time to get past that and even now through this process, those familiar feelings have managed to creep back into my thought life. With my second miscarriage, the eating disorder came back and I had severe depression. I started to self-harm after my third miscarriage. Only with my fourth miscarriage did I not experience any of these issues and I truly believe it’s because I finally had a solid support network and I was leaning into my faith as opposed to falling away from it.

You can do it alone, but it is so much harder and the healing process takes that much longer. Even if you can’t get support from family or friends, find an online community to talk to. Don’t isolate yourself. Loneliness with this kind of loss is hell on the heart and mind.

Anything else you would like our readers to know about your experiences?

I’ve been at this for nearly a decade. My 30s were trash because of my miscarriages and while I have struggled mentally because of them, there were some really amazing things that came from them. I used to be a teacher and in the years since I stopped teaching high school, two of my students have reached out to me because they too, were going through miscarriage and didn’t know what to do. They were scared and alone and messaged me on Instagram. I was able to answer their questions and talk them through it and help prepare them for what to expect. I hate that they had to go through this but I’m glad I was able to be there for them. It helped me to find purpose in the pain that I had been through.