Interview with Lucero: Escaping Abuse for her future family

Trigger Warning: this story includes a history of domestic abuse. If you are someone you care about is in a domestic abuse situation, there is help available. Please seek support by calling 800-799-7233 or visiting this website.

Tell us a little about yourself:

My name is Lucero Wiley. I am 37 years old, originally from Mexico City but live in San Diego. I am a domestic violence survivor who was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I went from being a clinically depressed woman who could not even function due to crippling panic attacks, to conquering the high-powered world of Wall Street and running for senate in the United States as a first generation immigrant.

I later became an ironman triathlete, a multinational business owner, entrepreneur, mentor, and speaker. I have been recognized with the Presidential Volunteers Service Award by both President Obama & President Trump as well as many other international awards; I consistently lobby for non-profits on Capitol Hill and volunteers in many foundations – all while dealing with a personal story of loss, grief, and abuse.

You first froze your eggs at 33 years old. Can you tell us about your reason for doing that?

I lost my husband, the love of my life, after he went to jail for assault and Domestic Violence against me, he later passed of a heart attack at age 45, which was both devastating & life altering. I didn’t know what the future would hold, but knew for a fact that I wanted children of my own some day, so I designed my own protocol to optimize fertility with a combination of functional nutrition, biohacking techniques, high quality supplements & mindfulness practices. It worked! With the minimum amount of medication and in just one cycle I had 54 mature eggs out of which 44 were successfully frozen.

Years later, you have shared with me that you found a new relationship later in life, would you tell me that story?

After my husband passed, I reconnected with a 10 year friend who’s a Navy SEAL commander of 27 years for the United States Navy. Our relationship started really well and that’s the reason why I relocated from the Virginia/DC area to San Diego, where he was stationed. Soon after living together I noticed some symptoms of depression and anxiety in him but with the pandemic, lockdowns, him working also on transitioning out of the military, and everything else going on with his problematic ex spouse and 3 adult children, I thought it was “normal”. What I didn’t know at the time is that this was a trigger for his TBI, PTSD and other health complications…

That must have been incredibly difficult and also scary at times. What steps did you/he take to try and work through these issues?

I tried to help him in every way I possibly could, knowing very well the business industry, I did everything in my power to help with his transition to civilian life: helped him prep for interviews, prepared his resume, cover letters, job applications, guided him on how to dress in business settings / out of military uniform, and tried to be his support mentally, emotionally and even financially throughout it all. I also encouraged him to enroll in all programs that would help him with his transition. Some of this programs are supposed to be the best in the country such as Home Base by Red Sox & Mass General Hospital in Boston; With Your Shield by University of Southern California, and many others he enrolled in sponsored by prestigious institutions, the Navy Seal foundation, Wounded Warriors, etc.

When he was admitted to Home Base / Mass General around March of 2021, this was the first time he was clinically diagnosed with TBI, PTSD, depression, high blood pressure, anxiety and was prescribed a lot of medication from a psychiatrist that only saw him a couple times for the short period of time that he was there. That was also the only couple of weeks in which he received any form of consistent therapy, so I was terrified of what would happen once he got out of this therapy bubble and came back home. I expressed this concern to the leadership of that program, since my fear was not unfounded. After requesting their statistical data about people going through their programs, the vast majority showed that their symptoms either stayed the same or became worse 6 to 12 months afterward, and yet all my concerns were ignored, not just by the program mangers but also by my partner himself who was not motivated to seek continuity and consistent therapy back home.

I knew well that without proper follow up and no one to pick up things where they left them in Boston, this was opening the proverbial ‘Pandora’s Box’, but unfortunately all that was done by health professionals was to irresponsibly throw a lot of hormones & prescription medication into the mix. [disclaimer - this is the experience of the interviewee. Please do not avoid seeking help by professionals if you are concerned about yourself or a loved one]. I hate to say this, but I believe that a lot of these foundations care more about the resources they are receiving under the banner of “helping veterans” than truly trying to help them. You can’t fix a broken bone with a bandaid, and unfortunately a lot of this programs don’t care for the human going through this experience but rather for getting the “check in the box” and move onto the next group.

This was what happened in my case, where his anxiety, depression, anger, PTSD and TBI only worsened after that… unprocessed anger from almost 3 decades of active duty and his horrendous previous 20 year marriage ended up somehow being projected onto me. Testosterone with antidepressants and the rest of the meds he was taking turned this calm, even-keeled man into an over-reactive and aggressive stranger that, not being able to properly handle his shame and guilt, directed a lot of anger toward me.

As our fights escalated and our relationship began to become more and more toxic, all I noticed was that the navy doctors didn’t care too much about his mental well-being because he was retiring in July so they kept prescribing him more meds and more testosterone and, once out of the Navy, the VA only assigned a psychiatrist to keep giving him more prescriptions and a “counselor” who never did any consistent therapy but rather “check in” anytime either of them remembered. Another “check in the box” approach where the problem keeps been passed on to somebody else, needless to say, is a recipe for disaster.

And don’t get me wrong, I loved this man very much, knew he was a good man because I’ve known him for close to 12 years at this point, so I tried to help him, tried to get therapy and also kept extending the proverbial deadline of our relationship hoping things would go back to the way they were… “Maybe once he gets a job things will get back to the way they used to be”; “ Once he’s out of the Navy I’m sure he’ll be able to relax”; “Maybe if I take him in an all paid vacation to Greece and Africa we will be able to reconnect”; “Perhaps once he secures 100% of disability payment his stress will go away”…

So here I was, making excuses for his behavior, with a person that was either completely detached and stonewalled some days, sulking in his guilt and shame; and some other days this aggressive, testosterone fueled 50 year old man who would project a lifetime of trauma onto me….The beginning of the end was the day that he was screaming at me “to get out of America” and “to go back to my f*cking country” because “I don’t belong here”…

I am a a first generation immigrant who naturalized as an American citizen and ran for the Virginia Senate to defend minorities rights from people whose rhetoric sounded exactly like this, so deep down I knew it was over at this time. It became bell clear that once his mental issues took over all rationality would go out the window. Like an on & off switch. Which made me scared of him physically hurting me in these type of episodes and made me realized there was no way a baby would thrive in an environment like this.

Thank you for sharing this, it takes a lot of courage to share your story, and I know many other people will appreciate that bravery as well. I would love to hear more about the impact of this unrest on your fertility. How did the process of IVF impact the mental wellbeing for yourself and/or your partner at the time?

IVF was the ultimate “make or break” in this relationship. Even since before we started dating, I was extremely clear that I wanted children, otherwise I would not pursue a romantic relationship with him if he wasn’t interested in having more kids (he already has three adult children), he convinced me that he wanted the same things so I relocated from VA to CA to try and make this work. The dog, the home, the picket fence… it was all “heading in the right direction” but as his mental health declined, he seemed apathetic and indifferent to every part of the process.

He had had a vasectomy many years ago and, even though both a reversal or him taking sperm to fertilize my eggs was still possible, he never seemed motivated to do so or to even to simply check the quality of his sperm. Once I confronted him about this because we were supposed to be on the same page for the last year and a half, he basically said he felt guilty toward his adult children so wanted *them* to make the decision for him. And even though they were apparently fine with this, he was still detached from it all: indifferent, paralyzed, full of guilt and shame. So I had to do everything on my own.

That is very isolating in an already lonely experience. Let’s transition a bit to talk about the medical side. What medical steps were you moving forward with taking?

The fact that he had a vasectomy in the past was not only problematic when TTC but it also cost me my insurance coverage, since a vasectomy is considered “voluntary sterilization” and automatically disqualified you for any for of coverage for fertility treatments. With the help of my mom, I ended up paying out of pocket more than $50,000 dollars for the IVF process. I chose the anonymous donor by myself, created embryos, booked the transfer (which was out of state in Seattle where my clinic is), reserved Airbnb‘s for the month I would be there for the procedure, coordinated plane tickets, etc. My then fiancée did come to Seattle with me but never really got involved. Had no real interest in the process or the medication I was taking or the side effects, and there was zero reciprocity as to how much I have been involved with his own physical and mental health and how I have taken care of him up until this point. In retrospect, I see now how all the signs were there but I somehow just kept making excuses for him, for his behavior, for his abuse, because I wanted to believe he wanted a family with me as much as I did.

The truth is that I felt very lonely during this time since he felt more like a “roomie” that was living with me, rather than acting like the fiancé who was starting a family with me. He never administered a single one of my shots or reminded me to take a medicine or even place a patch and he never went to an ultrasound with me, so I guess that will tell you everything you need to know about the level of support I received from my fiancee.

Fast forward to today. You are pregnant now - congrats! Such wonderful news. Tell us about your current pregnancy.

I am 31w pregnant with my first baby and it’s a girl! My first FET was on Oct 2021 which was successful. I designed a protocol for myself in which, just like with the egg retrieval, had a holistic approach to my fertility (biohacking techniques); body (functional nutrition to optimize fertility, high quality supplements, exercise); and soul (mindfulness and meditation) on top of the normal clinic recommendations and cycle medications.

However, if I am being brutally honest, my partner did not make this pregnancy easy. I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hemorrhage at around eight weeks of my pregnancy which I am sure was the result of all the crying, yelling, and fighting that kept happening in our household consistently. I would remember feeling every muscle in my uterus tighten up every time he and I would start fighting so I believe the bleeding was a result of the toxic environment my baby and I were in.My obgyn in San Diego at IGO Medical in La Jolla tried talking to me about the signs of the abusive relationship I was in, I was provided with resources and a hotline for domestic violence, even the nurses that would come administer my progesterone injections, both in Seattle and California, kept trying to help me to “see” the signs of abuse and documented it themselves, but I guess I kept wanting to believe the fairytale could somehow work and that I would have my happily ever after.

The subchorionic hemorrhage became the turning point of my life because this is when the decision came down to choosing between my baby or the relationship and the life I *believed* I could have with this man. It wasn’t easy to be honest, maybe if I hadn’t been pregnant at the time, I would have stayed in this relationship for a lot longer, either trying to help or hoping things would change but if I’m being honest with myself, deep down I already knew how this story was going to end. He never made any real effort into going consistently to therapy so God knows how many more years it would take him to heal or if he ever would at this point, since his mental health wasn’t even his own priority.

So I realized then that I couldn’t save someone who didn’t want to save himself. I chose my baby and decided to leave. With the help of my mom and family, I took my belongings and left him by mid December.

What has been the biggest shift in your outlook on life from where you began to now?

Everything! I grew up without a father so for the better part of my adult life I’ve been trying to find a man to start a family with. My dream was to have a happy and healthy environment in which I could raise a family and here I was, having to make the decision to become a single mother by choice. Never in one million years I though I would end up in a position like this!

As someone who is very familiar with the trauma of growing up with abandonment trauma and lacking a father figure, God knows this was the last thing I ever wanted for my child. However, deep down, I knew that the only worse thing for my daughter than not having a father, would be to have someone like him. Like I’ve said before, he’s not a bad person, but unfortunately he does not possess the tools or even the interest to cope with his severe mental disease, and living with a ticking bomb that could be set off at any minute (or not) was not the place where I wanted my daughter to be. That much I knew and my baby was the one who gave me strength to gather all of my belongings, leave, and start over a new life where I would be able to create a loving home for us both. I am so incredibly grateful for this soul being here with me, choosing me, fighting to stay throughout all the complications that have arised that the day I left this toxic relationship I made a promise to my baby: I promised her I would protect her like a lion (This is how I picked the name for the IG handle of my fertility journey: “lu_thelioness” - to remind myself of the strength in me to protect this baby of mine and keep moving forward).

“I will do everything to protect you, my baby. Change anything. Leave anyone. I will give you the best life I possibly can… I owe this much to you”

Who are the greatest supporters to you throughout this journey?

God. My mom. My friends and family. My mentors and coaches.

I have always been very open about my journey with the people I love because I’ve found out that when things don’t go as planned, it is much better to have a support network in place rather than try and fix everything on your own. There is no shame or guilt in admitting that something went wrong or that we made the wrong call. We are only human. We make mistakes, we apologize, we hurt people we love. But what we choose to do with those hard life lessons is what will ultimately open our hearts, which is the point of it all.

And to close… if you could share one final thing with other people going through similar experiences, what would it be?

That all endings are also new beginnings, we just don’t know it at the time. We all have a story. What makes us. What breaks us. Our tears. Ours cars. Our wrinkles. They are maps of where we’ve been that show us where we are going.

The story of my life is the story of things not always going as planned. But with its share of pain and heartbreak it is also a story of growth and transformation.

I have learned the lessons that life wanted to give me.

Love ends. Tears heal. Pain does not kill you.

Self love is the answer and, above all, God never abandons you.

This is why I believe that we are not what happened to us. We are what we choose to become.

After I left Wall Street firms and Capitol Hill politics, I started my own business called Wholistic Wealth, where I share everything I have learned throughout my journey and in every aspect of my life, hoping to be able to help others sharing all the tools and information I have gathered.

After everything I’ve been through I discovered that my purpose in life is to help others because at the end of the day, pain can be our greatest teacher, if we allow it to be.

You can learn more about Lucero, check out her wellness company, and listen to her podcast at www.livewholistic.com.