Interview with “Childless, Not By Choice”
Preferred to be referred to as “SN”, our interviewee currently lives in Canada and is in her late 30s. She is a step mom (“Bonus Mom”), dog mom, and loves all things nature and calming.
Tell us about when you first started trying to get pregnant, what was that like?
I was excited and anxious to start trying because I knew based on my history that it would be a difficult road and not the happy-go-lucky "we got it on the first try" situation.
At some point in your journey, you came to accept that you would not have children. Can you tell me a little about what led to this decision?
It wasn't so much a decision. The universe pretty much took it out of our hands. We lost our first at 10 weeks and we were never able to get pregnant again after that first and only time.
What was your process for acceptance about living a childless life?
So far I have not reached acceptance, but there is a great group of women that I found via Gateway Women. There is little to no support for women after the fertility journey/nightmare ends when it comes to being “childless not by choice”. You are left on your own after that. This is something I hope can be changed.
Was this difficult to share with family and friends, if you have done so? How do you recommend sharing this with others?
It is always difficult to share with family and friends, mostly because they don't understand. Either they all have children or they are in a space where they have not started to try yet. The best thing I did for myself was to tell them along with a request for them to watch a youtube video by Jody Day (Ted Talk) called "The lost tribe of childless women''. This video helped keep that barrier I needed, because people are uncomfortable with grief and 9 times out of 10, they will inadvertently say something really stupid in an attempt to fix it.
You run an instagram page for others that are childless, not by choice. How do you hope this page will help others?
I hope it provides a small beacon of light in a very dark time. A flickering bonfire in the distance that says, "you're not alone".
What circumstances/situations do you find the most difficult or triggering?
I find it most difficult any time I hear or see advertisements that speak to motherhood or Mother’s Day, such as “the perfect gift for ‘mom’". Also, pregnant women and just women with children in general are a huge trigger for me. Even in movies, there are just some that I can't watch anymore. Life has basically become an utter war zone and I am unarmed and vulnerable.
Who are the greatest supporters to you throughout this journey?
The women I found on Gateway Women have been. My Husband has tried very hard to be a great support to me as well, but he has a daughter from a previous relationship, so it's hard for him to relate.
If you could share one thing with other people going through similar experiences, what would it be?
Reach out. Don't feel ashamed as you have done nothing wrong and nothing is wrong with you. I would share that you don't ever have to "get over it" and that your grief is so valid and so real. That you still matter even if you aren't mothers with babies in your arms and only in your hearts.
What do you do for joy?
I truly am not yet at a place where I find much joy in life, but I try to spend time with people I care for and try to keep myself afloat. I try to be out in nature where there is some stillness.
Are there aspects of a childless life that now excite you?
Not really, anything I have due to being childless, I would trade in the beat of a humming bird's wings to have a child instead.
Anything else you would like our readers to know about your experiences?
It feels like the end, but it's not. Don't be afraid to grieve and know that there is a world beyond the veil waiting for you; a group of sisters in arms ready to catch you.