Interview with Priscilla: “When you decide enough is enough”
About the Interviewee:
My name is Priscilla Uhrlaub. I’m 36 and I live in Portland, OR. I love to read, watch horror movies, and cuddle my cat. My husband and I have been married 12 years and have a 14 year old grumpy, orange tabby. We tried to have a baby for 10 of those years. (You can follow Priscilla at @uhrcilla on instagram!)
Tell us about when you first started trying to get pregnant, what did that feel like?
Husband asked when we got engaged that we wait a year after getting married before trying to conceive, which I thought was fair - I could wait a year! We threw out the birth control on a vacation for our one year anniversary. I was 24, he was 25, and I was SO EXCITED. Scared, yes, but mostly ecstatic - this was the time of my life I had always dreamed of. I was going to be pregnant by Christmas and was already planning announcements and photo ops.
That sounds like how many of us imagine it at the beginning! At what point did you realize something was wrong, how did you discover your fertility issues?
I got worried at the year mark, but everyone told me (with varying levels of scorn) that I just needed to be patient. I was “thinking about it too much”. I listened to that for 5 years. We finally saw an RE who diagnosed me (in a terribly abrupt 1st appointment) with PCOS; he recommended IVF.
We left that appointment absolutely shaken. We saw a 2nd RE a year later who said I had healthy ovaries and blood work - no PCOS. Our 3rd RE another year later also could not find anything “wrong”. Ultimately, we are left “unexplained”.
Not having answers or having the wrong information can be so frustrating and you lose so much time. Tell us about the challenges you faced during this process. Were you able to get pregnant? Did you experience pregnancy loss?
We eventually did two IUI and one round of IVF/ICSI. The IUI were unsuccessful, but the IVF transfer took. We got pregnant! For twelve days. Then the beta levels dropped and we lost our baby. There was no explanation offered. Just “try again!”
I am so sorry for your loss. The whole process must have been incredibly stressful. How do you manage the stress/cope with the losses?
You just do whatever you can to feel better, to feel sane. For us, we were able to stay close and lean on each other. Therapy helps immensely.
Completely agree with therapy! You talk about embracing being childless on your social media page. Tell me a little about how you came to accept this, and what do you do to you embrace this?
I want to embrace this because for so long I fought against it. I didn’t want to be childless. I was so terrified of being barren. I wasn’t going to “let it happen”. But here I am, and that fight is gone, and I just want peace. You can’t have peace when you’re constantly demanding your body do something it just cannot do.
Very true! And today, you are training to become a doula, what led you to this journey?
I have always been fascinated by pregnancy and childbirth, even from a young age. It was the one thing I knew I wanted to do. I want to help give the best experience possible to other women becoming mothers, even if I cannot.
Do you find it difficult to support other women in their pregnancies after what you have gone through? Why or why not?
Yes and no. The initial announcement always brings jealousy and grief. Once I give myself a chance to process, the happiness for them takes over.
Who are some of your greatest supporters to you throughout this journey?
My husband and the community I found on Instagram, and my best friend.
If you could share one thing with other people going through similar experiences, what would it be?
Childlessness isn’t a death sentence! There is joy here too. Don’t listen to others, and it’s ok to stop trying. Truly. You did the best you could, and if you are tired or hurting, you are allowed to stop.
Just listen to your gut, trust your own timing and don’t put absolutes in your future.