When an OBGYN has a Loss
When I first saw a photo of this “childbirth cake”, something I understand others may find disturbing, I, as an obgyn, found it hilarious and amazing and told myself, “this how I’m going to tell my husband I’m pregnant when the day comes.” So when I saw the positive pregnancy test, I knew I had to make this. I don’t bake, so I had no idea how to make this happen.
[My husband and I are] both physicians and we were both on call that weekend. So while on call, I googled, I planned, and I picked up what I needed without him knowing. I knew Sunday morning would be my best chance. I was home that day and he would leave in the morning to go to rounds but if nothing else was going on, I knew he’d be back in a few hours. It didn’t give me much time. So, I scurried out of bed as soon as he left and did the best I could to put this together. But it worked! He was completely shocked and surprised and delighted. And it was an amazing moment.
Fast forward to less than two weeks later, I had a bleed. After an ED visit and multiple ultrasounds over the next few weeks, we knew this was over. There was no heartbeat and no growth. I didn’t have my hopes too high, so the disappointment seemed bearable. We dealt with it and tried to move forward. I’m an obgyn, so I know miscarriages are normal and happen often. I often have to give this news to my own patients and console them. So, I just told myself the same things I’d tell my patients and moved on (or at least I thought I was moving on). No one besides the two of us and my doctors knew about this. It was like never ever happened, except it did.
About six months later, we were pregnant again. I didn’t do anything elaborate this time. Just told him over FaceTime (as we were moving, and he left before I did). But this time I had severe pain, and again ended up in the ED, this time fearing my life was at risk and that I’d need emergency surgery. My husband flew in in the middle of the night. I didn’t end up needing surgery, but the next few weeks were the most painful in my life. The follow up tests again concluded this wasn’t a normal pregnancy and I needed medication with weeks of follow up.
I reached the lowest point in my live. It was the most alone I ever felt. I was in a dark cold place. ‘Why did this happened’, I kept asking, even though I knew the answer. ‘Why me?’ It seemed so easy for everyone else. This is a club that no one wants to be a part of and now I am a part of it, not that I had a choice. I tried so many ways to deal with it over the next few months- therapy, support groups, exercise, vacation, sunlight, returning to work - but nothing makes it go away completely. It’s always there- this sadness and emptiness and trauma and anger.
This photo is from January 2021. It’s been over 1 year. I don’t know when to start trying again. To be honest, I’ve been putting it off as I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with more trauma or bad news or even good news at this point because I know how anxious it will make me. But I know I will never look at a positive pregnancy test the way I did that first time. The excitement and bliss and naivety. I’m glad I made the cake then because I always wanted to do it and I got to it, because now, I don’t think I would ever do something like that. Now if I see a positive pregnancy test, I’ll be sitting at the edge of a chair, too anxious and too afraid to let myself be happy for fear of disappointment again.
-Rima Rana
About the Author: My name is Rima, I'm originally from NJ. I've spent the last 10 years of my life learning medicine and learning about obstetrics and gynecology. And somehow felt blind sighted by my own struggles. I want to encourage people that they are not alone and help find ways to cope. Instagram: @pregnancy_loss