Our Ride with Unexplained Infertility
We are 25 years old, living on the sunny West coast of Australia. After multiple failed infertility treatments, we believe our story is not yet over. At the same time, we have been encouraged and learned so much by hearing others’ infertility stories and hope that our story can in turn help others too!
Our ride with infertility began almost 4 years ago. And at the time, we didn’t even realize we were on it. My husband and I met in high school and married young with the dream to start our family straight away. We based our entire lives around bringing kids into the world- I decided early on that I didn’t want to pursue a degree, but that I wanted to work hard and save up. We purchased our first car with the stipulations that it had to fit a pram in the boot. We set aside a room in our first home to be the nursery. I built an extensive collection of children’s books, dreaming about the day I would get to read them to my child. We were tentative about committing to family holidays- we could have a newborn at that time, we would think.
Six months passed and we thought to ourselves, by the end of the year we’ll be pregnant. The year, March came and went and we decided to see our GP with some questions. I knew in my gut something wasn’t right- we were both very familiar with FAM and had been tracking my cycles from the very start. You’re so young, you need to give it more time- a phrase we would have to get used to. We couldn’t accept this answer, so I started researching and delving more deeply into holistic nutrition and lifestyle. I didn’t want to leave any stone unturned. For a good six months, I saw a nutritionist and focused on my gut health, alongside with a doctor who specialized in homeopathic medicine.
At the two year mark, we were just frustrated that nothing was happening. We made the decision to see a bulk billed fertility clinic and do an IUI. Once again, we were met with, “You’re so young, don’t stress if this doesn’t work.” In my mind I was screaming, if we’re SO young, then why is nothing working!! Aren’t we meant to be at the peak of our fertility and health?!
Sure enough, the IUI failed. I think this was one of my lowest points. I remember getting my period on the last day of the school year. I was an Education Assistant in a kindy class and the whole teaching team dressed up and partied with the kids to celebrate finishing a year of school. I felt physically sick to my stomach all day. So numb. I remember going to the bathroom multiple times and just silently sobbing into my hand. How could this be? The nurse called after work and confirmed my negative blood test results. I picked up the phone and couldn’t even speak. I hung and up and emailed the nurse later that I was sorry for breaking down and that we wouldn’t be returning the clinic. We literally never even got a reply or follow up.
My husband and I tried to just get on with life. We went on an interstate road trip with close friends that summer. Ironically, my friend spent the whole time complaining about how her husband wanted kids and that she could think of anything worse. I did my best to ‘comfort’ her. 8 weeks later, after returning from our trip, my friend dejectedly told me that she was pregnant. Again, I had to put on a brave face and ‘comfort’ her.
In the meantime, someone recommended a local fertility naturopath to us. Why the heck not, I thought. I attended my first appointment and for the first time in over two years, I felt seen and heard. I completed a thorough thyroid panel and numerous other tests. My husband did a full sperm analysis and DNA fragmentation breakdown. The results came back that I had borderline high thyroid antibodies and that my husband’s sperm count was concerningly low (although again, apparently nothing so concerning that it would hinder our ability to fall pregnant after two years). You have unexplained infertility, we were told (is there really such a thing as “unexplained” infertility?!) We were able to follow a very specific and targeted vitamin, supplement and diet regime and within 6 months both my husband’s sperm health and my thyroid health improved drastically. I continued to work on mitochondrial health and religiously stuck to seed cycling for a good year. My progesterone levels were perfect, my period pain improved and I was ovulating regularly and consistently according to regular blood testing and BBT monitoring. And yet, still no pregnancy!
It was at this point, we decided that maybe commencing online studies to become a teacher would be a healthy distraction for me and so I made the massive decision to begin working casual shifts as a relief worker and study full time online. This was probably one of the best decisions we ever made. For the first time in years, I had a goal. I loved the flexibility of online studies and also loved how I had the time now to actually have a social life and also just be on top of regular household stuff like cooking and cleaning.
At the end of the 3rd year of TTC, we made the big decision to have the initial consult with a private fertility clinic. At this point, we had literally not shared with a single soul what we were going through. I think for the entire time, I sub consciously told myself that we weren’t truly infertile unless we had gone through IVF. Covid happened, vaccinations (and severe side effects) happened, and we didn’t commence our first IVF cycle til 6 months after the initial consult. I think part of us just desperately hoped that we would miraculously fall pregnant before having to do IVF. By the time my period came along and we finally commenced the IVF treatment, I had become incredibly bitter and resentful about having to do it. I remember taking every injection and just feeling intense rage at the “unfairness” of it. And yet, we had not even BEGUN to consider the possibility of it not working. Looking back, we were pretty naïve and way too optimistic...
I received the bombshell phone call the day after egg collection while I was on lunch break at work. I’m sorry. We hardly ever see this. Not a single one of your eggs fertilized. Absolutely nothing happened. I remember feeling like I needed to throw up. I called my husband and matter of factly told him. I then hung up the phone and finished my day at work. My husband came home and we literally did not know what to say to each other. We cried together and he just hugged me tightly for over an hour. What next? I whisper. We try again, says my husband. Our fertility specialist decided we would throw everything at our next cycle. On top of already doing ICSI, we would do the calcium wash to help the sperm penetrate the egg and also ZyMot, which is used to prepare and select sperm for insemination as an extra way of helping the sperm swim through a membrane filter in the ZyMot device.
Again, we couldn’t consider the alternative. This next round simply had to work. But the unfathomable happened... I’m sorry, I don’t have good news. Not a single one of eggs has fertilized. Please make an appointment with your specialist to review your cycle.
It was like the flood gates opened at that point. I don’t think I have EVER cried so much in this entire journey or in my entire life. For about 12 hours straight, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. How could this even be real? My head felt like it was going to explode and every little thing would just set me off. That night my husband and I didn’t sleep for one second. We both stayed home the next day and just cried and talked together... as hard as it is to be so open and raw with each other, talking has been what has strengthened our relationship so much. Our review consult with our FS was like a kick in the guts. I can’t tell you what to do, but in my opinion, doing a third round of IVF probably won’t yield different results. At this point, it’s likely an egg quality issue. Have you thought about egg or embryo donation? Our initial response was just disbelief that this was even suggested.
It was after the second failed round of IVF that we opened up to our parents. And what a weight off our shoulders that was. How could you carry such a burden alone for so long? We wanted to ask you but didn’t want to intrude, was the general response. Looking back, it was partly my own fault for being so closed and hedgy around the topic of infertility. Neither of us are good at opening up to others, but were so glad when we finally did.
It took us months to work through the stages of grieving the loss of likely never having our own biological children. Initially I brought up egg donation with my husband. For me personally, the reality of never bearing a son who took after his dad was incredibly difficult. In my eyes, my husband is the most kind, thoughtful, self-less, gentle, athletic, hard-working, strongest person I know. Part of the reason I married the guy was because I was so excited to have his kids! And so, coming to terms with this not being a likely possibility just broke my heart even further. However, after months of long, intense, raw, honest conversation with each other and after thorough research into both egg and embryo donation, we came to the conclusion that egg donation just wasn’t for us.
A couple years ago we had attended the mandatory fostering and adoption session required in our state. Adoption in Australia is next to impossible, however there is a massive need for foster parents. We were pretty excited about this but were disheartened to be told that you couldn’t be foster parents if you had completed fertility treatments in the last 12 months. We put that on hold, but never let go of the idea of welcoming a child who wasn’t biologically ours into our hearts and homes. Therefore, when we closely researched embryo adoption, we became increasingly more excited and hopeful for the first time in SO long. There were only a handful of clinics in our state who offered embryo donation programs, and they were all anonymous, which were not entirety comfortable with. We decided to go ahead and go through the necessary consultations and mandatory counselling sessions in order to go on a waitlist.
In the meantime, we began the search for known embryo donation via various Facebook groups. It took us some time before we had the courage to post our introduction on an Australian embryo donation group, but when we did, we were simply blown away by the response. The following day, we had 12 couples reach out to us. About half wanted to maintain a close relationship with any children born through embryo donations (something we were not overly comfortable with) and the others were happy to just have occasional updates shared with them. Then began months of communication with 4 couples who were serious about donating their embryos.
We are currently still in the stage of maintaining contact with the couples. It’s been a really time-consuming and emotional time (this whole journey definitely feels like a roller-coaster and full-time job!!) There are still numerous hoops to go through and never-ending decisions to make. We are on a waitlist to see a FS at a new clinic, since our old clinic does not deal with embryo donations. Basically at this appointment, we will share our history and our desire to move forward with a known embryo donation. We will also lay on the table our options and all the information we have about the couples willing to donate their embryos. From there we will have to pick the couple who most aligns with us and whose embryos will give us the best possibility of having a healthy pregnancy (and that’s another whole scary unknown... we have never even reached the stage of a pregnancy and don’t even know if becoming pregnant will be another hurdle for us). It’s going to be one of the toughest decisions we have ever made. Since having contact with the couples, I think I sleep an average of 4 hours a night! My head is constantly spinning with the possibilities, the hope, excitement and intense anxiety. How are we going to choose a couple?! That will mean breaking ties with the other couples as well. In Australia, the donating couple can pull out right up until the embryos are about to be transferred into our name. This is pretty scary possibility.
And so, that’s where our infertility “ride” is at for now. Our faith has been shaken to the core. And yet it has grown in leaps and bounds. Our dreams shattered, and rebuilt.
We remain hopeful, excited and fearful.
We have begun to dream about the nursery room again. I stare wistfully at the tiny little knitted beanies when I buy baby gifts for friends. We put plans on hold. We calculate possible due dates. We imagine the delicious smell of a newborn who is ours. We talk about how we will surprise our families with the news. We dare to imagine. We pray desperately that God will bless this whole process and thank Him for even putting it on the hearts of these couples to consider donating their precious embryo babies to us.
Stay posted, our journey is no-where near over <3
Emily & Dan
