10 Tools for Coping with Infertility During Holidays
The holidays are less than joyous occasions when they become reminders of what we don’t have in life, rather than times to appreciate what we do have. For those coping with infertility or pregnancy loss, these annual occasions become reminders that we aren’t celebrating them with the family we most want to. Even traditions we once loved become less enjoyable because we wish that we could enjoy them with the children we want so badly to have. For couples and individuals struggling with infertility, holidays can be a painful reminder of what you’re missing most from your life.
While nothing can entirely make these days easier, sometimes all we can do is wait them out, below are some tips that might help you cope just a smidge better:
Encounter Management + Control Communications: If you choose to spend the day with others, it is only expected that you will get some intrusive questions or hurtful comments. Anywhere from “When will you bring home a baby?” to “Why don’t you just adopt?” - nothing is off the table!
So prepare in advance how you and your partner will respond to these questions, such as a plan for a simple “Not yet!” and changing the subject, to sharing all of the details, or even consider getting ahead of the questions. Send a message to your family sharing that you “appreciate discretion and sensitivity as you and your partner go through this challenging time”.
Within this, it can help to decide in advance how much you want to share. One way to claim some control at gatherings is to manage information and communication. What do you want people to know? What is too much information? For example, you may feel it’s important that people you care about know you want to have a baby and are seeking medical help. Yet they need not know exact treatments, timing and outcomes of treatments, or the doctors you are seeing. Get on the same page with your partner, and let family that might know more know what you are keeping private.
Choose the people to be around: We all know that some people are just more supportive than others through tough times. Now more than ever, be selective with your time and company! Only accept invitations from those that you truly want to be around and brings comfort, and feel empowered to decline every other.
Take care of Yourself: The holidays are all about food! And I would never tell someone to turn down the egg nog or apple pie… but remember moderation and include the greens too! It is must easier to cope with difficult days when we are caring for our physical selves. Get a good night’s sleep, eat nutritious meals, exercise, drink water, and don’t forget vitamin D (even in the cold) - these steps will be incredibly helpful to ensuring your body is strong enough to also deal with the emotional distress.
Spend Time Alone: So much of the holidays is being surrounded by others - and often it can feel like those others are living the lives you wish you lived as well so they are harder to be around. Yet we become so busy with invites, it can be weeks before there is a night with nothing to do!
So book a night for you! Heck, send yourself an invitation and put it on the calendar if you need to - anything so that you can cozy up alone with a bath, bubbles, and book - my favorite “Bs”!
Treat Yo-Self! Simply to being alone, treat yourself! Get a present no one else would think to get you, watch the movies that feel good, be selfish. Because life is especially hard right now and you have been working hard all year, you deserve a little something from the person who knows you best - YOU.
Nostalgia does not need to be an obligation: The holidays are full of activities and traditions that we long to be doing with children one day, which makes them harder to enjoy alone. Skipping them one year does not mean you won’t have them to enjoy in the future.
Instead, fill your time doing all the things you don’t feel a desire to be doing with children! Perhaps watching White Christmas makes you feel sad because, as a favorite holiday film, you cannot wait to share it with a child. So skip it this year! Watch Die Hard instead! Want to make holiday cookies with children? Make a boozy holiday egg-nog instead!
Do Something for others: Infertility draws us inward, prompting us to focus on our bodies, our sadness, and our feelings of not being worthy - we forget that we have VALUE!
Volunteering, donating to a nonprofit, gift giving to those in need - all of these are wonderful ways to grow your heart and share your worth. I know that it can be really hard to feel any gratitude when life feels is especially difficult, but caring for others and being appreciated is a really wonderful way to appreciate what you do have. (Looking for a great option? Check out Simply the Basics!)
Get Out! Truly, I promise, no one will mind if you leave the party early. If you are not feeling it or you are thinking more about pregnancy than whatever tradition is happening in front of you, you are allowed to go home. Sometimes we think it will be a big deal, but people do generally understand (and appreciate any efforts to attend in the first place!).
No one going through infertility wants to feel trapped in a holiday gathering with no way to escape. It can help to have a code word or sign with your partner if you need a quick get-away. Have the type of company that will push back on your departure? “I am having digestive issues and will feel more comfortable in my private bathroom” is an excellent way to get less questions!
Be in control - HOST! I know this sounds counter productive, but the best way to control an environment and give yourself lots of distractions is to be the host. You can decide when people arrive, when they leave, who can come (kids or not?), and if you start to struggle, distract yourself with clearing drinks.
Understand that everything you’re feeling is NORMAL: It is entirely normal, even expected, to feel sad, angry, jealous - or a myriad of them all - when you are experiencing fertility issues. It’s important to acknowledge those feelings and allow yourself to feel the sadness and frustration, rather than guilt over having them.
In the end, nothing can make the pain and heartache of getting through these milestone days go away completely. Remember two key things… (1) That treatment, although presently all consuming, has a timeline. This is a temporary, and not every holiday will feel this way forever, no matter which way things go. And (2), that you are not alone! So many others are at their own family gatherings feeling the same heartache. We understand and here for each and every one of you!